Tyra, We Hardly Knew Ye

My suspicions about Tyra Banks were confirmed today when she announced that this would be the last season of The Tyra Banks Show.  She actually does think of herself as a ‘baby Oprah.’  I am sure she has visions that her announcement will make the ‘best of 2009′ lists and newscasters will be on the verge of tears delivering the news that this is her 5th and last cycle. (remember when we used to call one year of shows ‘a season’? Leave it to Tyra to over feminize the term and make it synonymous with a woman’s menstruation.)

As a self appointed media critic, I watch a lot of t.v., which is to say that I watch a lot of Tyra, because her presence has become a mainstay over the last 5 years.  I watched her first episode when she was awkward, blinky and over acting (which she never really overcame) to her highest peak when candidate Obama did an interview in 2007 and she fawned and blinked and asked probing questions like what kind of ice cream he and Michelle ate on their first date.

I watched when she took a stand against our societies obsession with weight and she invited those who didn’t like her slight weight gain to ‘kiss her fat ass.’  And I watched her don a fat suit and see what it is like to not be treated like a super model for a few hours and I watched as she dressed down and put in false teeth and tried out for a stripping job that she of course chickened out of at the last minute.  I also watched as she wore ratty clothes and use a day-for-night filter on the camera and pretend she was spending the night in downtown LA as a homeless person.

But for me, the ultimate in absurdity is this clip of her and Lil’ Bow Wow freestyle rapping.  In this most amazing clip, Tyra’s poorly disguises her secret desire to kiss Lil’ Bow Wow (a 22 year old rapper who is best known for being a 12 year old rapper) in a freestyle rap.  Right after the 1:06 mark where Tyra calls Bow Wow ‘young and sexy’ you can actually see her mind racing to rhyme a word with “kiss me” which would then reveal to the world her secret, unspoken desire to make out with man-boy-rapper Bow Wow.  A full 10 seconds later she comes up with “I’m not about to dis him.” Really? Was that your best after 10 seconds of thinking?  But sadly, it took more than those 10 seconds to reveal her secret crush and she chickened out. Until….!!  1:43 into the clip she just jumps out and says it, rhyming scheme be damned. “Gimmie a kiss Bow Wow! On the lips, Bow Wow”

This plays right into one of my finest media critic moments where I analyzed Trya’s life.  A suggest that Tyra suffers from arrested development at around the age 14 when she became a model and traveled the world. Her young mind was understandably not ready for the fast life and criticism that is hoisted upon a young model with high expectations. So, much like any 14 year old, she relates every story back to herself and any talk of a sexual nature is ‘icky’ and your secret crush is someone who every other 14 year old girls crush on.   So asking for a kiss on the lips hidden in a meandering freestyle rap is not as unusual as any 14 year old playing spin the bottle or 7 minutes in heaven. It is just that she is 35 and doing it on television.
I will miss your show Tyra. I hated on it, but I watched it religiously.   Now all I have is Wendy Williams.