Sarah Palin gave the keynote address at the big Tea Party convention over the weekend and I guess she didn’t study up enough for the speech that people paid $550 a person for because she had to write crib notes on her palm.

The funniest thing to me is that the word budget is crossed out in the scribble of ‘budget cut’ and replaced with ‘tax‘ to make it ‘tax cut‘. She can’t even get her cheat notes right! I can not believe that some people still want to see this person be president of the United States.  That shit is not folksy. It is 14 year old high school girl dumb.

The best part was that her right hand said “See other hand”

Predicting the outcome of a sporting event is usually more accurate than weathermen telling you what the weather will be like in 24 hours. Check out this photo from local Fox 5 here in New York. It is a SNOW ALERT and the alert is that there is no snow. Do we really need an alert to tell us that there is no snow?   The reason they have to ‘alert’ you to the lack of snow is because they built up your expectations for a snow-mageddon for the last three nights.

All meteorologists really need to do is put up a graph of today’s weather. But instead of that they go on for 7 to 10 minutes about high pressure system coming out of Saskatchewan or what the Doppler 4000 has detected.  The reason they throw all this science at you is to try and convince you that they are ‘experts’ and that they know what they are talking about.  When the truth is that they only just as accurate as Jimmy The Greek.  That being said, I would like to predict that the weather will have an effect on the Super Bowl.  Since the most of The East Coast is locked down in a snow drift, I predict that ratings for Super Bowl XLIV will be the highest rated Super Bowl ever.  I predict the total number of viewers will eclipse that of the final episode of MASH which was the most watchedTV show ever.   Oh, and The Saints over The Colts 27-24.

UPDATE: CBS spokesperson Ed Harrison has confirmed that last night’s Super Bowl has surpassed M*A*S*H as the most-watched TV program in history. An estimated 106.5 million people watched the game, according to Nielsen.   I rule.

Ichiro Suzuki has more than risen to the level of national folk hero in Japan. In this clip they now raise him to his rightful place among the Gods and a destroyer of worlds.
I dare you to get the expression “throw by Ichiro” out of your head after this clip. Do not anger Ichiro.

Straight out of Cape Town! A crazy white dude named Ninja. In a band called Die Antwoord.

There are not a lot of white rappers coming out of Africa these days, so if you are going to do it, you better be good. And if you are not good, you better look crazy as fuck.  Die Antwoord falls into the latter category. With a 1991 Vanilla Ice hair cut, jail house tats and rocking just Dark Side of The Moon boxers, Die Antwoord’s Ninja makes a perfect front man while DJ Hi-Tek’s access to a PC computer gets him the coveted DJ role.  The X-factor is their next door neighbor Yo-Landi. Who with her The Hills Have Eyes 2 looking hair style, sings head scratching hooks that would make Ghost Face shrug his shoulders like “I am your butterfly. I need your production.”

Die Antwoord means ‘the answer’ and when asked the answer to what,  Ninja simply says “whatever, man. fuck.”

This clip of The Manager’s Corner is why baseball was better in the 1980’s.  This is crotchety manager Earl Waever taking questions from the fans.  The questions range from ‘why don’t you go out and get speed on the base paths’ to ‘how do I grow tomatoes?’ and Earl has the same answer for all of them; go fuck yourself and let me manage my team.

It is a rare combination when a thing can be adorable and pathetic at the same time. Like those dog’s in cages in those late night TV commercials or The Crying Wife.  The Crying Wife is a website that highlights clips that  some husband made of his wife who cries at every movie. And I mean EVERY movie.  There is a clip where she cries after Back To The Future Part 3.  Part Three?!  I cried too after seeing that in the theaters because they had taken a perfectly good memory from my childhood and smashed it like ol’ Doc Brown’s 1880 time travelin’ locomotive into Shonash Ravine.

In this clip she is crying while watching the the mega disaster movie 2012. She gets emotionally connected to characters who are flying a plane through an earthquake.  This woman needs around the clock care or she needs her own show where she reviews movies. (“I laughed. I cried. I cried. I cried.”)    I wish I could enjoy movies this again.  I wish I could watch the movie 2012 and have it rip my guts out like Shindler’s List.

She doesn’t disappoint however,  because she does eek out a review at the very end.  After a crying fit that could almost be confused as orgasmic, she reviews the film simply with “that movie was horrible. I am going to have nightmares forever.”

To look at General ‘Pants-On-The-Ground’ Larry Platt today you would never know that he was an active member in Civil Rights movement in the 1960’s. In fact he marched in Selma and faced fire hoses and police dogs and he was given the name ‘General’ by activists for his courage.  That is why it is especially sad to see him become the Sambo-ized product of white TV producers who think that a man publicly losing his dignity is cute.

I can not speak to why Larry Platt has not caught on to the idea that he has become a national goof, but I can use conjecture to speculate that because the underlying message in his ditty (not a song because it is only one verse), about how young people should pull their pants up and act respectable, he may have thought he was continuing his legacy of fighting the good fight.  Maybe he was even taking a page from President Obama when he said “brothers should pull up their pants.”  But what he has done is to open the door to public humiliation.  No one is laughing with Larry Platt.

I remember when Dave Chappelle walked away from the second season of his tv show and a reported $50 million dollars.  He only gave one reason for leaving. He said that when he was doing a skit where he was playing a minstral-like character for laughs, he looked up at one white crew member and saw that he was laughing.  He said that he was not laughing the same way others were laughing.  Dave did not even finish that episode.

In this clip from the pre-Grammy red carpet show on the E! network, they flew in Mr. Platt to perform his ditty. Since there is only one actual verse to the song, when he gets through it he just starts over and then in an effort to remain entertaining he hops on one leg and does sit ups.  At the 23 second mark I have freeze framed an expression by some onlookers.  Do you think this is the last look Dave Chappelle saw before he walked away from $50 million? Do you think Civil Rights activist Larry Platt will ever see it?

The CBS Evening News may have accidentally uncovered Greedo from the original Star Wars trilogy.  They tried to disguise his identity with a baseball hat but the keen eyed folks at Snore saw thru their ruse.  Greedo is alive and well and apparently working as a disgruntled T.S.A. employee.

I have been listening to the song ‘Chantilly Lace’ by The Big Bopper for my whole life and I never understood that it was a supposed to be a phone conversation.   Maybe I should have been clued in by the opening line ‘Hello Baby,”  but this video clip from 1958 American Bandstand is proof positive that it was.  As you will see, it turns out that The Big Bopper was a bit of a prop comic as he performs with a telephone receiver.

After that big reveal, I was able to reinterpret the song with new ear.  This song could be about the first recorded phone sex call ever.  When The Big Bopper picks up the phone it seems like he does not even know the girl who is talking dirty to him on the other line.  This is probably autobiographical because The Bopper was better known as a disc jockey before he became a singer and those disc jockies picked up more than requests from those phone lines. (Yes, I was alluding to gonorrhea).

In the song he rhetorically asks “Do I whaaat?  Will I whaaaaat?” to the sexual advances of some hot 1950’s teenager.  And you just know the things she was asking him was not all Richie-Cunningham-from-Happy-Days ‘can I blow in you ear’ bullshit.  Other clues are that he says that she makes him feel like ‘a long neck goose.’ C’mon now, he isn’t even trying to cover it up now.

Other things to look out for in this clip is Dick Clark from 52 years ago introducing the clip and actually using the hip hop slang ‘Gyeah-yeah’ at the 20th second.